A Family Strategy Review

For starters, it’s worth noting that the annual strategy retreat isn’t the only time my wife and I ever talk about our relationship. It’s not like we go 365 days without sharing our thoughts or providing feedback to each other. 

However, a review is useful precisely because of what we don’t usually talk about. If there’s a specific issue between us, that will be discussed immediately—our emotions make those urgent. But where there’s a “non-issue” issue, where something is only slightly annoying, or where we think, “yeah, it could be better, but it’s fine for now,” we tend not to have a conversation. 

In the day-to-day of our lives as parents and professionals, those topics are never urgent enough to prioritize. 

But since “it could be better, but it’s fine for now” is not the standard at which we aspire to operate as a family, it’s helpful to have to have a planned check-in.

Here's how that goes:

Agenda Item 1: Share Strategies

The first thing my wife and I do in this part of the strategy retreat is to listen to our respective individual strategies for the upcoming year. There’s some peer coaching in that we ask each other questions to help sharpen those plans.

Agenda Item 2: Relationship Review

The second thing we do is check in on our relationship and family situation. This actually starts a couple of weeks ahead of the strategy session with a survey (example here). 

The goal of the survey is to help us identify areas in which at least one of us registers dissatisfaction or there is a large difference in our views and to reflect on any other points we want to raise for conversation. 

As my wife says, “The structure allows for open, honest dialogue, specifically as it relates to the relationship check-in, as it's tough to find time to be candid about what's working or what isn't.”

Agenda Item 3: Calendar

The third item is super tactical: We look at the calendar for the year. 

Historically, this is when we’ve identified when we’d be traveling (for any number of reasons) and when we might take time off. Basically, it helps us pre-solve potential conflicts and when our childcare coverage might be challenged.

Though until we get these vaccines in our arms, I suspect we won’t have much to do!

TAKING ACTION

Implementing a relationship check-in is pretty simple. The most straightforward way is to share with your spouse and discuss what you’d want to include in the conversation. 

Interestingly, that conversation—articulating why it might be useful for your relationship, defining what’s important and how you define “good”—is likely to be valuable in its own right.

A QUOTE I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT

“...[F]or most of us, work is more likely the trump card. This is because the impact of letting work slide is generally more immediate and visible than neglecting our family responsibilities. It may take years for the damage done to a family through neglect to be evident, whereas at the office, missing budgets or a bad performance review can show immediately.” 

“You should periodically review how your career is going and how your family life is going.”

— D. Quinn Mills, in Having It All...and Making It Work