Having It All...And Making It Work

IN BRIEF

Despite the title, the main point of this book is that you can’t have it all. But you can achieve balance by prioritizing what’s most important, rigorously rebalancing, getting feedback from your family, and being at peace with the choices you make.

Key Concepts

Balance is only an issue when we care both about family and work

“We usually don't have a problem with balance if we are prepared to put career before family or family before career. It's when we can't ‘put first things first’—when we can't prioritize family over work or work over family because they both come smack dab on the top of our lists. Balance becomes an issue when family and career are equally crucial to our happiness and sense of success.” (p. 7)

Balance is a mixture of career and family engagement, which gives a person fulfillment and avoids tension, guilt, and regret. (p. 11)

Balance is a process and requires proactive action

“We don't get into balance at one time and stay there indefinitely; it takes continual vigilance and effort to maintain our balance. This is because life is always changing, and each change raises new threats to our balance.” (p. 9)

First, we need to face a simple fact of life: Balance won't happen on its own; we have to create it. (p. 14)

We suggest that you evaluate your balance twice a year as a family to assess life goals and direction, and monthly as an individual to think about the functional, day-to-day aspects of balance. (p. 91)

Work is usually the trump card because it screams loudest at us

Our work voice can cry loudly about deadlines and deliverables, whereas our family members and matters often suffer in silence. And because our work "puts bread on the table," we tend to listen to and obey its loud voice. (p. 16)

“But for most of us, work is more likely the trump card. This is because the impact of letting work slide is generally more immediate and visible than neglecting our family responsibilities. It may take years for the damage done to a family through neglect to be evident, whereas at the office, missing budgets or a bad performance review can show immediately.” (p. 16)

Know your priorities and be comfortable with the choices they imply

The key to balancing is making choices. We simply have to choose what is most important to us about our family life and work life. (p. 20)

“Be satisfied with your choices. Make a few big decisions about what you want in life and stick with them, at least for a designated period of time.” (p. 22)

“Our ability to differentiate first-tier priorities from lower-priority items will boost our success at balancing our career and family wants..” (p. 29)

“We tend to think that many of the choices we make involve tradeoffs when they really don't. This is because people often confuse less important items—second-tier items—with more important first-tier items.” (p. 33)

“We need to identify nonessential items and clear the deck of them so we can tell when we are choosing between top-priority items—and make as few of these tradeoffs as possible.” (p. 34)

Define success on your own terms

Our concept of how much is enough can change as our wealth increases. The more we begin associating with others who have greater means, the more our eyes open to the possibilities of what "more" can do. (p. 24)

“Define balance on your own terms, using internal benchmarks to stop this comparison cycle—know when enough is truly enough.” (p. 25)

“We are each pressured to embody society's vision of success—of what it means to have it all. The greatest service we can do is to be authentically true to ourselves by accepting that we can't have or be it all.” (p. 100)

Choose a field that supports balance

“First you need to be smart about your career choices because some careers are much more conducive to work-life balance than others. And once you are working within your chosen career, you need to safeguard balance by making wise moves, creating a path that is uniquely yours.” (p. 49)

“Most people think of careers as climbing up a ladder when, in reality, we should see our careers as a lattice—a combination of many ladders next to one another and connected.” (p. 64)

One can create space by becoming irreplaceable and enlisting the help of others

“Carve out a niche so that you become irreplaceable. This will give you leveraging power to negotiate your position.” (p. 57)

“Unique skills come with power over colleagues, clients, and even competitors—it's the power to say, ‘I will do it tomorrow.’" (p. 57)

“In general, we get help when we need it because we've prepared the way—because we've let others learn about us and others in our lives so that they are interested, involved, and sympathetic. We get help when we need it because we deserve it, and we haven't sprung our need unexpectedly on people.” (p. 60)

Quotables

Think hard about what you really value and what you really want: Liking something isn't good enough—you have to really want it.  (p. 12)

A job can be like water: It will fill whatever space you give it. (p. 18)

“The good, the things that would be fun or nice to do, become enemies of the best—our families and careers.” (p. 22)

Everything comes with a price—even achieving balance. (p. 27)

“In the end, it's an illusion that we can easily compartmentalize our lives, that we can devote the first 10 or 20 years to our careers and the remainder to our family. It's too great a risk, and we'll end up with too many regrets for what we've missed.” (p. 38)

“We can't afford to feel guilty about the things we can't control or manage.” (p. 44)

“By making wise career choices, we make our balance real. Your environment shouldn't stifle balance—it should promote it.” (p. 50)

“Balancing our families with our careers may require making choices between happiness and ambition.” (p. 50)

“Capable professionals will always have options. Even in a tight job market or recession economy, you can either find or create options that are more compatible with your family and career objectives.” (p. 54)

Hard work will make you valuable and may get you promoted; it will not make you irreplaceable in your current position.  (p. 57)

“Don't wait for a perfect time to do so—the perfect time for a vacation will never come.” (p. 69)

“If you have a weekly meeting with your boss to make sure you're on the same page, why not with your family?” (p. 78)

“Also, your understanding of family concerns is greatly facilitated when you are present wherever you are—whether at work or at home. When you are working, work. When you spend time with your family, enjoy it!” (p. 79)

“You can enhance your ability to be emotionally present in the moment by taking time for yourself in order to be fully present with your children. It's a matter of practice, discipline, and meditation.” (p. 79)

“Two unbalanced parents don't make a balanced one. Nor can one balanced parent compensate for the imbalance of a mate.” (p. 81)

“The idea of ‘divide and conquer’ can be very seducing—one partner taking the left flank while the other takes the right—but this will only leave the two of you exhausted, having fought challenges in two different realms and making it that much more difficult to understand the other's fatigue.” (p. 84)

“When we asked Peter why some business people in certain careers contend that they do, in fact, have it all, he told us that it's similar to how adults deceive children about Santa Claus—successful business people insist they have it all, even when they don't.” (p. 100)

“Don't try to be Julia Child in the kitchen, Martha Stewart in the living room, George Soros on the trading floor, Don Juan in the bedroom, and Michael Johnson on the running track.” (p. 101)