Unapologetically Ambitious

Key Concepts

“Find Your Cheerleaders”

“I didn’t look for my earliest cheerleaders; they found me. But once I felt the power of their influence, I knew what I had to do in every new circumstance: find the people I could cheer for and find the people who would cheer for me.” (p. 25)

“Who are your cheerleaders? Who believes in you when you’re struggling to believe in yourself? Some people are natural cheerleaders for you. They are the ones who build your self-esteem through compliments and encouragement. If you don’t have cheerleaders already, appoint someone. Seriously. Call a friend. Say, “I appoint you as my cheerleader. From now on, whenever I forget how awesome, capable, and competent I am, it’s your job to remind me.” Then return the favor.” (p. 25)

You have to continually prove yourself at each level

“But ambition is not just about catapulting yourself upward toward your goals. It’s also about acclimating yourself at each step along the way. Whether you’re entering college, starting a graduate program, beginning at a new company, or taking on a new position at a familiar company, at each new level, you need to learn the ropes and prepare yourself to excel.” (p. 51)

“Even better, I had identified a common pattern that plays out in the lives of ambitious people: Every time you take a giant leap forward, you will land at the bottom of your next learning curve. That’s okay. That’s just how it goes. You might not know everything you need to know yet, but you can trust your ability to learn the ropes.” (p. 58)

Delegation is as important at home as it is at work

“This mentality is stifling at home, and at work it can slow the progress of your career. In order to rise in an organization, you have to be able to take your responsibilities, to delegate tasks to the right team members, and to seek guidance from others as you face new challenges. It seems evident, on the surface, that we shouldn’t expect ourselves to be perfect polymaths; but I’ve known many women who have gotten stuck in their careers because they were unable to master a skill they could have delegated, unwilling to delegate a task someone else could do, or unwilling to seek guidance when they needed it.” (p. 117)

“I like to say, ‘The more you do, the less you get paid.’ Your ability to get work done through others is exactly why you get promoted up the career ladder.” (p. 118)

Learning to focus on self-care

“But I needed to learn that taking care of me was just as important as every other priority. I started by regularly carving out time to exercise. Something about pushing my body to physical, sweaty fatigue—it helped me not just stay in shape but also clear my mind and better manage stress.” (p. 122)

“Next, I had to start learning to say no. For me, this was not a simple process. I am a person who truly wants to be helpful, whenever possible. To this day, I still try to help everyone who needs it. So I had to find a way to be helpful without giving time or energy I could not afford to give. I began by evaluating requests differently: not in terms of whether I could help in theory, but whether I could realistically be useful. I had to tell people, “I don’t have the time.” I learned to be clear about this, instead of hedging and putting people off. I still do this, by the way. I always try to tell people clearly when I can’t get involved. But there’s a follow-through, which is, if I can, I try to offer another option. Usually I give people a referral to someone who can help; sometimes I recommend an alternate solution. That way, the person who needs help isn’t left hanging. They know where to go. And I’ve managed to preserve my time.” (p. 123)

“Finally, I had to learn to ask myself about what was really important. I’m talking about a daily question: “What’s really important for me today?” The answer to that question could be different from day to day, but I had to have an answer. I had to focus on what I wanted, not what I thought the world wanted from me. And that made the difference. As I found my limits, I internalized the concept that I can have anything I want, just not all at the same time.” (p. 123)

“Tell People What You Want”

“I cannot say I have a solution to this issue, but I can tell you what has worked for me: Not only have I learned to tell people what I want, but I’ve also learned to tell everyone what I want. When I have a goal, I put it out in the open, and it becomes a part of my identity. Broadcast your intentions! You never know who is listening, who might have a connection—or conversely, who might have their own reasons to withhold information. The more people who know what you want, the more likely you are to get an opportunity.” (p. 140)

“It takes some guts to tell everyone what you want. It does feel risky. But you have to learn to take those risks. I have a mantra in these situations. I ask myself: What’s the worst that can happen? Can I live with it if the worst does happen? Usually, when it comes to asking for what I want, the worst that can happen is I might get told no, and I can live with that. I have found that the benefits of broadcasting my intentions far outweigh the discomfort of hearing no.” (p. 140)

Being a minority can be a superpower

“Sure, as a young African American woman, I did not have many cultural advantages going into Japan’s business environment, but in the end, I developed a good reputation and built successful teams. When my stateside colleagues asked me how I did it, I had to be honest. “I’ve always been an outsider,” I explained. “Everywhere I went, I had to learn how to get along with all types of people and earn their respect.” I was better prepared for that job in Japan than I had realized—better prepared, in fact, than many of those prototypical IBM employees. This experience reinforced my parents’ message: Being in the minority doesn’t have to hold you back. In fact, it can be an advantage. The hard-won lessons you learn while meeting life’s challenges? If you leverage them right, they become your secret weapons.” (p. 154)

Finding mentors

“Here’s how I adopted mentors throughout the rest of my career: I made it very simple for them. First, if I found out about somebody who could give me advice, I would find a way to run into that person. Just a quick conversation in the hallway, or poking my head into their office, or the cliché of catching them in the elevator. I’d ask them only one question—something very simple, a yes-or-no. Something they could easily answer, I hoped. Then I’d thank them and go away. Next, I’d try to apply their advice, and a little while later, I’d catch them again, in person or through email, to close the loop: “Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for the tip. I tried it, and here’s how it worked. That was super helpful, thanks so much.” Well, now they’re feeling pretty good. They were able to help, and it was easy for them—not much effort, and look at the results. So then I’d ask another question—a follow-up on what to do next, or another way to approach it if their first tip didn’t get the full result I was after: “Here’s what happened as a result of your advice. Here’s what I am thinking of doing next. What do you think?” And so on.” (p. 200)

Networking should be always-on

“Which brings me to my next point: You need to be building your network all the time, not just when you want something. In fact, aim for most of your interactions to be spent providing help or value to others. Give more than you take; it’s not just the generous thing to do, but it also puts you in a position of power instead of weakness.” (p. 208)

Quotables

“If I had to sum it up, though, I would say ambition got me here—ambition supported by the conscious choices I made every step of the way. Success begins with figuring out what you want, then making the choices that will get you there. You’ll notice I use that word a lot: choices.” (Introduction)

“You can make yourself luckier by setting a goal, creating a plan, developing the right skills, maintaining the right attitude, and aligning your everyday choices with your goals.” (p. 12)

“In my family, we did not complain about unfairness. In particular, we were not allowed to believe that being African American was holding us back. My parents made this choice, I would later learn, because they didn’t want us to focus on the systemic racism all around us, to start finding it everywhere, and to limit our goals because of it. If we did that, they believed it really would hold us back. By not allowing us to use racism as an excuse, my parents hoped to empower us to overcome it. This isn’t a choice parents should have to make for their children—but life isn’t fair.” (p. 15)

“According to Mom, if you let someone else’s actions get to you, then you’re giving them control over you. In high school, she told me, ‘You win by staying in the game.’” (p. 34)

“By the way, ever since that day, I always dress up for work. Whatever the acceptable attire for an occasion, I try to make sure I’m a notch above it. I’m not a clotheshorse, but I try to look nice. I’ve seen firsthand what a difference that can make in people’s impressions of you. This is especially important for women in leadership. Research shows that dressing well can even improve your own mental state and self-perception.” (p. 83)

“Of course, I was doing all of this on a timeline, because if you don’t have timelines, then it’s really easy to become complacent, to let things linger, to let life take over. If you have timelines, and you stick to them unwaveringly, then you get things done.” (p. 109)

“Okay, let’s get this out of the way: I hate the phrase work/life balance. The word balance implies a fixed equilibrium, a two-arm scale with equal weight on each arm. That’s just not how life works. If we hold balance as the standard for success, we’re bound to feel like we’re failing. We need a different metaphor, one that can hold all the complexities and overlapping responsibilities of career, family relationships, friendships, self-care—whatever components you choose to include in your life. That’s why I prefer the term work/life integration.” (p. 129)

“I had to quit my job to get the job I wanted.” (p. 134)

“There are no two ways about it: Vulnerability is an unavoidable side effect of ambition. Pursuing your career and life goals involves taking risks. When you ask a mentor for advice, you make yourself vulnerable. Same happens when you try something new, when you go after something you really want, even when you fall in love—you open yourself up to risk. If you avoid taking risks, you limit your opportunities. But in the process of taking a chance, you can transform your risks into rewards. Risk and reward: two sides of the same coin.” (p. 213)

“As you consider the industry to go into, look for growth. A growing field will have more jobs, more opportunities, and more chances for you to advance.” (p. 225)