The Price of Privilege

Highlights

Parents who persistently fall on the side of intervening for their child, as opposed to supporting their child’s attempts to problem-solve, interfere with the most important task of childhood and adolescence: the development of a sense of self. Autonomy, what we commonly call independence, along with competence and interpersonal relationships, are considered to be inborn human needs. Their development is central to psychological health.2 In a supportive and respectful family, children go about the business of forging a “sense of self” by being exposed to, and learning to manage, increasingly complex personal and interpersonal challenges. (p. 8)

When we coerce, intrude on, or take over for our children unnecessarily we may be “spoiling” them, but the far more significant consequence is that we are interfering with their ability to construct a sense of self. (p. 9)

Regardless of whether research has focused on younger kids, older kids, or has followed youngsters throughout their adolescence, two factors repeatedly emerge as contributing to their high levels of emotional problems. The first is achievement pressure and the second is isolation from parents. While achievement pressure and isolation from adults appear to be mutually exclusive (somebody has to be putting the pressure on), they are not. In fact, achievement pressure often comes from parents who are overinvolved in how well their children perform and inadequately involved in monitoring these same children in other areas. We can be overinvolved in the wrong things, and underinvolved in the right things, both at the same time. (p. 28)

Our children benefit more from our ability to be “present” than they do from being rushed off to one more activity. Try to slow down. It is almost always in quiet, unpressured moments that kids reach inside and expose the most delicate parts of their developing selves. (p. 31)

Children need work experiences to develop a sense that success is a function of their own efforts. Some of the wisest, and most successful wealthy parents I know are extremely careful about how much money their children have. These parents have their kids participate in family chores and neighborhood jobs and do not discuss family wealth with their kids—after all, none of it was earned by the child! (p. 54)

All kids are different, and there is no single “profile” of a child with an impaired sense of self or a child with a robust sense of self. It is important to know that a teenager with a healthy sense of self may slam doors, or experiment with drugs, or clam up when her parents want to talk. Alternately, there are kids with an impaired sense of self who successfully fly under the radar because they are so exquisitely attuned to what is expected of them that they can pass off an inauthentic and fabricated sense of self as real. Understanding what a healthy sense of self is in our children means that we are willing to look past the obvious and evaluate whether or not our children are making progress along a number of dimensions. Do they feel effective out in the world? Do they have a sense that they are in control of their lives? Are they able to form deep and enduring relationships with others? Do they have hobbies and interests? Do they value and accept themselves? Do they know how to take care of themselves? These critical qualities, while they certainly will wax and wane, are shared by children who are making good progress toward healthy adulthood. (p. 69)

This is not to suggest that parents should be uninvolved or unconcerned about their child’s academic progress. The difference between involvement (which aids academic achievement) and overinvolvement and intrusion (which lessens academic achievement) has to do with how highly parents are invested in their child’s performance. If you feel awful (or worse yet, angry) about an occasional low grade or elated about a high grade, then you are probably overinvolved or intrusive. Resist the temptation to monitor every inch of your child’s progress. We all know that some of our best work is done when no one is watching, when we feel free to be flexible and creative. Make sure your child has time to explore and create and learn without the pressure of constant scrutiny and the threat of constant evaluation. (p. 112)

Think about the way you listen to a close friend and then think about how you listen to your children. When we listen to our friends it is usually with the purpose of understanding their dilemmas, of helping them clarify how they feel, and of letting them know that we care. We listen long enough to know what it feels like to be in their shoes. Too often with our children, we rush in and offer suggestions, propose alternatives, or solve problems. While well-intentioned, this kind of premature cutting off of communication is often a result of our anxiety about letting our kids struggle. It can also be the most expedient solution when our own demands are great and our time is short. Unfortunately, when we intervene prematurely, we lose the opportunity to understand a bit more about who our particular child is, and how developed her skills for approaching a challenging situation. Teenagers in particular complain that their parents don’t “get me” because they don’t take the time to really listen. We can’t understand our children unless we take a few steps back, follow their lead, and listen to their stories openly and with curiosity. There is nothing more reassuring or more likely to encourage connection and communication with our children than our inviting, listening, presence. (p. 134)

Criticism has been found to have such a profound negative effect on child development that some of our most cherished notions need to be reexamined in light of what we now know about it. For example, one popular notion about why children from comfortable homes are showing such high rates of emotional problems holds that it is because they are “overscheduled.” It is assumed that affluent parents are pushy about everything, including their kids’ after-school activities, and are exhausting their children in the process. This particular theory has been well publicized by the media, causing many parents to be concerned about whether their child’s extracurricular athletic, art, academic, or volunteer experiences are really healthy or damaging. Overscheduling has become a catch-all term, encompassing many different levels of activity. If your child has no time to breathe, think, or eat, if she is unhappy and having somatic symptoms, then she is overscheduled. But many kids are robust and energetic and can engage in a wide range of activities without any ill effects. (p. 151)

Recent research exposes the core issue behind “overscheduling,” and, for younger teens at least, it is not the after-school activities per se. In a study of affluent suburban fourteen-year-olds, the most common reason for participating in these activities was for “fun”; only a minority said they participated because of adult pressure. While being involved in after-school activities was good for most children, parental criticism about their performance in these activities was damaging. Girls in particular were susceptible to both emotional and academic problems when their parents were critical about their extracurricular performance.12 There is a world of difference between the experience of having a parent who is happy when you are chosen for the chorus of a show and the parent who says, “Aren’t you even good enough for a small speaking role?” Holding out high standards for our children is not the problem, but humiliating and disparaging them when they fail to meet expectations is. (p. 151)

It astounds me that we can find time weekend after weekend to travel to some distant site, spend the entire time watching our child play in one more soccer, baseball, or basketball tournament, and yet can never find the time to spend a weekend away with girlfriends, free to kick back, brainstorm and bask in the congeniality that women have historically enjoyed with each other. Marriages flounder as parents divvy up the job of being at one child’s soccer game and another’s piano recital, forgetting the fact that the best gift you can give your children is a good marriage. (p. 222)