The Likeability Trap

Key Concepts

“Trap 1: The Goldilocks Conundrum”

“For a woman who is naturally warm, the attempt to appear strong has a strange side effect: it can make her less likeable. For a woman who is naturally strong, the attempt to appear warm will be additionally confusing as she watches her male peers be lauded for the very same things she is cautioned against.” (p. 8)

“Here’s the big, underlying challenge: what is expected of women (warmth and communality) is perceived to be the opposite of what is required of a leader (ambition and self-reliance). So when a woman acts the way society expects a woman to act, she is told she is not leaderly enough. When a woman acts the way society expects a leader to act, she is told she is not feminine enough. She cannot win.” (p. 35)

“Trap 2: Likeability and Authenticity as Luxuries”

“If authenticity is necessary to be likeable, and critical to effective leadership, but women are encouraged to spend most of their careers trying to be more of whatever it is they’re told they’re not, how can they possibly be authentic, likeable, and effective leaders? In penalizing strong women for not being warm enough, and in punishing warm women for not being strong enough, are we telling women that there is no way for them to lead as themselves?”(p. 8)

“And what does authenticity mean for those who are minorities in their industry or workplace? Is being your authentic self and being well liked a luxury afforded to everyone or only to those who align with the dominant office culture?” (p. 8)

“Trap 3: Damned If You Do”

“Likeability, we are told, is integral to success. But ambitious women know, and the research supports the notion that the more successful a woman becomes, the less others like her.” (p. 8)

“It’s hard to answer the question ‘What is likeability?’ because behind how agreeable we find someone or how much we are drawn to them, what it is about them that creates our perception of them is wildly subjective.” (p. 15) 

“Our notions of what makes a likeable person are riddled with deeply ingrained cultural biases, often based on gender, race, and ethnicity. Some of this by its maybe explicit attitudes, positive and negative, we consciously hold about others. But most of this bias is subconscious, and even those of us who pride ourselves on being objective rely on some basic beliefs about individuals and groups to form quick assessments.” (p. 16)

The likeability challenge is even more tricky for women of color

“That rhetorical question had several possible answers, but this is the one most relevant to women of color in the workplace: a woman’s words can be interpreted very differently depending on her race or ethnicity. Women of color contend with an even more complicated set of expectations than white women.” (pp. 45-6)

“For women, and for anyone with a minority identity, being told to ‘be ourselves’ at work feels a bit like a dangerous dare. Roll the dice and see if your authenticity resonates. If it does, you  might reap great rewards. If it does not, your authenticity will be used against you as proof that you were never a great fit.” (p. 62) 

Women often get lower-quality feedback

“Feedback and reviews are, by nature, subjective, but performance reviews of women employees tend to over-index on subjective feedback. Behavioral economist Paola Cecchi-Dimeglio’s analysis of these reviews found that they are often riddled with the gender biases we’ve discussed, as well as confirmation bias (“I knew she’d have a hard time completing the project on deadline”). Women are more likely to receive critical subjective feedback—meaning that for women, reviews and evaluations are often negative expressions of their manager’s opinions of them, rather than positive expressions or useful evaluations of their skills and contributions.” (pp. 81-2)

“Women are also less likely to receive constructively critical objective feedback—the type of insights on their work that is actionable and based on substance rather than style. The feedback women receive is often vague and not tied to outcomes. Even when they are praised, they don’t receive pointed developmental feedback about what is necessary to make the next leap in their careers. So a woman may walk out of a performance review feeling great, but with no clear sense of what she’s doing right or how she can use her existing skills to catapult herself to the next level.” (p. 82)

Changing one’s approach to likeability is a journey

“Maintaining a healthy relationship  to likeability requires knowing that likeability is an outcome that cannot be guaranteed. ...Once you start believing that how someone feels about you absolutely means something about you, once it has you doubting yourself, it is time to put your hands up, step away from the questions, and give yourself room to breathe.” (p. 149)

“Part of having clarity is knowing, for yourself, whose opinion matters. At work, that can take many forms. ...Regardless of how this manifests in your world, there is value in clarifying how you are weighing the feedback and competing signals that you receive.” (p. 179)

Quotables

“For us, the success penalty isn’t merely a professional impediment; it’s a mindfuck. It threatens not just our upward mobility but our very sense of self.” (p. 9)

“As Greta, an academic told me, ‘If you get called a slut in your first week of college, you're marked for the next four years. Bitch is the same. Once you've been labeled, it's hard to shake it.’” (p. 35)

“Being a mother exacerbates gender norms. It basically underlines your femaleness, so that everything we’ve already discussed is on full blast.” (p. 56)

“All it takes is one side-eye to let an employee know that they shouldn’t be too authentically themselves.” (p. 59)

“If the Goldilocks Conundrum finds women choosing between being too hot and too cold, then ‘anger’ is a bowl of porridge served so scaldingly hot that it requires oven mitts.” (p. 133)

“A woman’s angry response is immediately chalked up to internal characteristics. In one experiment, researchers Lisa Feldman Barrett and Eliza Bliss-Moreau presented subjects with photos of male and female faces showcasing various expressions. When they asked subjects why each face looked as it did, they found a gender divide. Subjects were more likely to read the female faces as being emotional in response to something internal, a mood swing perhaps. Subjects interpreted the male faces as being responsive to an external situation, something that had been done to them.” (p. 133) 

“When executive coach Caterina Kostula’s clients receive critical subjective feedback, she encourages them to ask two questions. The first is to ask for evidence of how these qualities are impacting their work or their team. ...Another tactic Caterina recommends: when being told one is aggressive, for example, ask, ‘Compared to whom?’ This again forces the reviewer to consider their feedback in the context of unconscious biases they may hold. The feedback may still apply, but these qualities will help inform how you proceed.” (pp. 154-5)