Option B

Key Concepts

The three Ps of recovery

“After spending decades studying how people deal with setbacks, psychologist Martin Seligman found that three P’s can stunt recovery: (1) personalization—the belief that we are at fault; (2) pervasiveness—the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and (3) permanence—the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever.” (p. 16)

“Self-compassion comes from recognizing that our imperfections are part of being human. Those who can tap into it recover from hardship faster.” (p. 60)

NOT asking about the loss is hurtful; we should try to be an “Opener”

“Unlike non-question-asking friends, openers ask a lot of questions and listen to the answers without judging. They enjoy learning about and feeling connected to others. Openers can make a big difference in times of crisis, especially for those who are normally reticent.” (p. 34)

People can grow after trauma

...post-traumatic growth could take five different forms: finding personal strength, gaining appreciation, forming deeper relationships, discovering more meaning in life, and seeing new possibilities. (p. 79)

“Although it can be extremely difficult to grasp, the disappearance of one possible self can free us to imagine a new possible self. After tragedy, we sometimes miss these opportunities because we spend all of our emotional energy wishing for our old lives.” (p. 91)

Journaling about both negative and positive emotions can help, as can identifying what we’re grateful for

“Counting blessings can actually increase happiness and health by reminding us of the good things in life. Each night, no matter how sad I felt, I would find something or someone to be grateful for.” (p. 25)

“Just as labeling negative emotions can help us process them, labeling positive emotions works too. Writing about joyful experiences for just three days can improve people’s moods and decrease their visits to health centers a full three months later.” (p. 102)

Proactively building resilience for kids

Building resilience depends on the opportunities children have and the relationships they form with parents, caregivers, teachers, and friends. We can start by helping children develop four core beliefs: (1) they have some control over their lives; (2) they can learn from failure; (3) they matter as human beings; and (4) they have real strengths to rely on and share. (p. 111)

Quotables

“I thought resilience was the capacity to endure pain, so I asked Adam how I could figure out how much I had. He explained that our amount of resilience isn’t fixed, so I should be asking instead how I could become resilient. Resilience is the strength and speed of our response to adversity—and we can build it. It isn’t about having a backbone. It’s about strengthening the muscles around our backbone.” (p. 10)

“Adam finally convinced me that I needed to banish the word ‘sorry.’ He also vetoed ‘I apologize,’ ‘I regret that,’ or any attempt to weasel my way past the ban. Adam explained that by blaming myself I was delaying my recovery, which also meant I was delaying my kids’ recovery.” (p. 18)

“Seligman found that words like ‘never’ and ‘always’ are signs of permanence. Just as I had to banish “sorry” from my vocabulary, I tried to eliminate ‘never’ and ‘always’ and replace them with ‘sometimes’ and ‘lately.’” (p. 21)

“‘Part of every misery,’ C. S. Lewis wrote, is ‘misery’s shadow…the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer.’” (p. 23)

“I learned that when life pulls you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again.” (p. 29)

“When someone shows up with a cast, we immediately inquire, ‘What happened?’ If your ankle gets shattered, people ask to hear the story. If your life gets shattered, they don’t.” (p. 32)

“There are two different emotional responses to the pain of others: empathy, which motivates us to help, and distress, which motivates us to avoid.” (p. 47)

“There’s no one way to grieve and there’s no one way to comfort. What helps one person won’t help another, and even what helps one day might not help the next.” (p. 51)

“...offering support through personal hardships helps employees become more committed to their companies.” (p. 73)

“‘When we are no longer able to change a situation,’ psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl observed, ‘we are challenged to change ourselves.’” (p. 77)

“Family and religion are the greatest sources of meaning for many people. But work can be another source of purpose. The jobs where people find the most meaning are often ones that serve others. The roles of clergy, nurses, firefighters, addiction counselors, and kindergarten teachers can be stressful, but we rely on these often undercompensated professionals for health and safety, learning and growth. Adam has published five different studies demonstrating that meaningful work buffers against burnout. In companies, nonprofits, government, and the military, he finds that the more people believe their jobs help others, the less emotionally exhausted they feel at work and the less depressed they feel in life.” (p. 88)

“Resilience is not just built in individuals. It is built among individuals—in our neighborhoods, schools, towns, and governments. When we build resilience together, we become stronger ourselves and form communities that can overcome obstacles and prevent adversity. Collective resilience requires more than just shared hope—it is also fueled by shared experiences, shared narratives, and shared power.” (p. 130)

“Love is the third rail of grief—a topic so charged that it is untouchable. After losing a partner, the only thing more emotionally fraught than finding joy is finding love. The mere thought of dating someone else triggers sadness followed by guilt.” (p. 161)