How Women Rise

Key Concepts

The habits that hold women back have to be put in context of the very real bias that exists in organizations

“Our focus on behaviors doesn’t mean we seek to blame women who have not risen as quickly as they would have liked or that we don’t appreciate the role external barriers play in keeping women stuck. Impenetrable old-boys’ networks, sexist bosses, men who seem incapable of listening to women or who claim credit for their ideas in meetings, career tracks that assume families do not exist, performance review criteria subtly designed to favor men, the unconscious biases that shape hiring and promotion: these impediments are real and unfortunately continue to play a role in stymieing women’s advancement.” (p. 12)

“So we repeat: we are not trying to gloss over or deny obstacles that we know are real. However, our primary focus in this book is not on identifying external barriers or providing road maps around them.” (p. 12)

Women often have a broader definition of success than men do

“Before we get started, we need to clarify what we mean when we talk about success, a word we’ll be using quite a lot in this book. In our experience, women often define success a bit differently than men. This means they also define success differently than organizations have traditionally expected people (primarily men) to define success. Instead of viewing money and position as the sole or even chief markers of success, women also tend to place a high value on the quality of their lives at work and the impact of their contributions. Enjoying co-workers and clients, having some degree of control over their time, and believing that their work makes a positive difference in the world are key motivators for many successful women.” (p. 13)

“This reluctance to view money, position, and winning as chief arbiters of success is psychologically healthy for women and great for their teams and organizations. But it can have a dark side, leading women to underinvest in their own success even as they devote time to building up others. This instinct for self-sacrifice also lies at the bottom of a number of behaviors that hold women back.” (p. 16)

A key to change is realizing that our habits aren’t our personalities

“In addition to feeling situational, stuckness can feel deeply embedded. As you become habituated to certain behaviors, you may start assuming they are intrinsic to your character, part of who you are.” (p. 22)

“Most habits get started for a reason. Maybe you were looking for a way to cope with stress. Maybe peer pressure was involved. Maybe you wanted to tune out situations that felt overwhelming. The thing about habits is that they tend to hang around even when the conditions that got them started no longer exist. That’s why spending a lot of time trying to figure out why you do them is usually not the most fruitful approach. You do them because you’ve done them repeatedly over time. They’ve become your go-to responses, unconscious and routine. In other words, your habits are not you. They are you on autopilot.” (p. 23)

“The Habits That Keep Women from Reaching Their Goals”

Habit 1: Reluctance to Claim Your Achievements

“If you struggle to claim credit for your achievements, it may cost you throughout your career. But the costs will be highest when you’re trying to move to the next level or seeking a new job. Speaking up about what you contribute and detailing why you’re qualified does not make you self-centered or self-serving. It sends a signal that you’re ready to rise.” (p. 72)

“What else can help? Exposing the fallacy of either/or thinking could be a start. So you think you are either a shameless self-promoter or a self-effacing martyr beavering away at her job? No, there’s a lot of ground in between these polar opposites”.  (p. 74)

Habit 2: Expecting Others to Spontaneously Notice and Reward Your Contributions

“Expecting others to notice your contributions, or believing that they should, is not only a good way to keep yourself stuck, it can also diminish the satisfaction you feel in a job you would otherwise enjoy. Remember this: Companies don’t just make great products and assume that customers “should” want to buy them. They have a marketing function that is designed to effectively promote what they do. You, as a professional, need one too.” (p. 77)

“Lao noted three advantages to having an elevator speech memorized and ready to go. ‘First, it shows you’re ambitious, and that your ambition is focused on something specific that you’re working to achieve. Second, it gives you an opportunity to talk about your skills or background in a way that aligns with what could be useful to the organization, not just now but in the years ahead. You’re not blowing hot air, you’re telling a story about why you have what it takes to move up and, by implication, how the organization can benefit from that. Third, it gives you a chance to show that you’re thoughtful, reflective, and concise—the last being important to executives who are always pressed for time and in the habit of asking people to bottom-line it.’” (p. 83)

“Peter Drucker, a major influence on both of us and someone we both knew personally, and with whom Marshall worked, was the first to speak about the importance of having such a statement, both for organizations and for individuals. Peter Drucker once told Marshall, ‘You should be able to put your mission statement on a T-shirt.’” (p. 84)

“A crystal clear sense of what you’re trying to do and why you are motivated to do it not only enables you to speak your truth powerfully and concisely, it also helps you clarify which opportunities you want to embrace and which you should let go of. You simply ask yourself, Would doing this help me reach my larger goal? If so, you might want to say yes. If not, you have a solid reason for saying no.” (p. 85)

Habit 3: Overvaluing Expertise

“Trying to master every detail of your job in order to become an expert is a great strategy for keeping the job you have. But if your goal is to move to a higher level, your expertise is probably not going to get you there. In fact, mastery of your current role often serves as a useful strategy for keeping yourself in your current role.” p. 86)

“First, learning every detail to perfection uses up a lot of bandwidth, leaving you little time to develop the relationships you need to move ahead. Second, your efforts to do everything perfectly usually have the effect of demonstrating that you’re perfect for the job you already have. Third, the expertise you develop may make you indispensable to your boss, who will quite logically want to keep you where you are.” (p. 89)

Habit 4: Building Rather Than Leveraging Relationships

“Over the years, we’ve noticed that, while women are often stellar relationship builders, they tend to be less skilled at leveraging relationships. Or maybe not exactly less skilled, but rather noticeably reluctant to do so. Of course, this is not true of all women. We’ve known many who are superb at using leverage: subtle, magnetic, and strategic. These women actively enjoy building connections that benefit not only their organizations and a wide range of people, but also and very emphatically themselves. Yet we also see talented, hardworking women who rebel at the very thought of engaging others to help them meet either specific or long-term career goals. They’ll gladly spend time and energy getting to know people, offering them help, listening to their problems, giving advice, and drawing them close. But they shrink at the prospect of engaging them in a way that furthers their own ambitions.” (p. 97)

“The second problem with seeing leverage as a morally suspect behavior is that it reveals that familiar either/or mind-set we’ve been harping on in this book. Either you’re a wonderful person with pure intentions who gives no thought to your own advancement, or you’re a conniver who uses others to achieve your own ends. Either you’re motivated by the desire for disinterested friendship, or you’re only out for yourself. This kind of framing allows for no middle ground, no way of being a good and helpful person who is also capable of pursuing her own self-interest.” (p. 102)

Habit 5: Failing to Enlist Allies from Day One

“Women who assume new positions resolve to keep their heads down until they’ve mastered the details and are confident they can perform to a certain standard. They want to feel fully prepared before they start reaching out. By contrast, men in new positions often start with the question: “Who should I connect with to make this job a success?” They view the path to success not as a matter of what or how, but of who. They see connections as the most important part of their job and want to start building them on day one. The result of this who-centric approach? More support. Better positioning. Greater visibility. Less isolation. And not incidentally, a lot less work.” (p. 107)

“Sponsors are a valuable kind of ally, but they’re only one kind. So if you’re struggling to find one, your best response might be to pour that energy into building a broad ally network instead. This will not only strengthen you, it will increase the likelihood that you’ll find a sponsor by giving you more visibility and assuring your contributions get more widely known.” (p. 111)

Habit 6: Putting Your Job Before Your Career

“If you find yourself stuck like this, you may have devoted so much time and energy to doing your job superbly that you’ve neglected to take the steps needed to propel you to the next level. Maybe you haven’t built the visibility and connections you need to create a demand for your skills. Maybe you’ve sent so many signals that you enjoy being where you are that people no longer think of your name when a higher-level position opens up. If this describes you, you’re probably focusing on your job at the expense of your career. You’re looking at what’s on your plate now instead of seeing the big picture. You’re sacrificing your long-term prospects on the altar of today.” (p. 117)

“But in our experience, the most common reason women put their job before their career is rooted in one of their greatest virtues: loyalty.” (p. 118)

“So if you’re stuck in the loyalty trap, or have a problem admitting self-interest, or if you make a big point of disdaining the politics you see other people play, you can benefit by considering how well these attitudes really serve you, how suited they are for getting you where you want to go. Women who use their jobs as a way to avoid thinking about their careers often have a problem admitting to ambition. But the world needs ambitious women—why not you?” (p. 126)

Habit 7: The Perfection Trap

“Striving to be perfect keeps you riveted on details, distracting you from the big-picture orientation that’s expected when you reach a senior position.” (p. 127)

“Why are women often vulnerable to this desire to be perfect? Or to the belief that if they’re not perfect, they are somehow unworthy? Experience and research suggest two reasons: gender expectations that start in childhood, and how those expectations get reinforced in the workplace.” (p. 128)

“Girls tend to be rewarded for being obedient daughters and excellent students, while boys are given more latitude.” (p. 128)

Habit 8: The Disease to Please

“The disease to please can undermine your ability to make clear decisions because you’re always trying to split the difference among competing needs in hopes of creating consensus or avoiding giving offense. This can impair your judgment and leave you vulnerable to manipulation by people who know how to use guilt to get others to accommodate their needs.” (p. 136)

“Coaches who work with women report that the disease to please is becoming more problematic because expectations are constantly ratcheting up. This is an unspoken elephant in the room at many of the women’s conferences we attend, where programs on “achieving balance” have become a standard part of the repertoire. On one hand, women are urged to “go for it” and aspire to leadership at the highest level. On the other, they’re warned about the consequences of missing virtually any activity involving their kids.” (p. 145)

Habit 9: Minimizing

“As research conducted by social scientists and neuroscientists confirms—and many of us know from experience—when you draw in your arms and legs, tighten your body, hunker down, or move aside—you undermine your ability to project authority and power. Not only do others read you as diminished, you begin to feel that way yourself. That’s because your physical attempts to shrink send a message to your brain that you really shouldn’t be occupying your space, either physically or metaphorically. You’re not big enough, so you don’t belong. Others are more deserving than you are. That’s how your brain interprets your actions.” (p. 149)

“Yet other language minimizers persist, such as (in English) the constant use of the word just. As in: ‘I just need a minute of your time.’ ‘I just want to say something.’ ‘I just have one observation.’ The word only can serve the same purpose. Other minimizers include little, tiny, small, and quick, used to suggest that you won’t be taking up the other person’s valuable time with something you nevertheless believe is important enough to mention: ‘I only have one tiny suggestion.’ Or, ‘If I could make a very minor point.’” (p. 150)

“New research cited by Susan David in her recent book Emotional Agility demonstrates another benefit of presence for women. She notes that, although women often struggle to be heard, they in fact receive as much attention as men when speaking in public if (and only if) they are perceived as being fully present. Being present also has the effect of making women seem more credible and authoritative. This powerful finding adds to the evidence that the ability to rest in the moment and hold your space is vital for women seeking to project leadership presence.” (p. 155)

Habit 10: Too Much

“To recap: Feeling and identifying your emotion gives you power. Reacting to what you feel squanders it.” (p. 161)

“Research shows that women speak an average of 20,000 words a day while men typically speak around 7,000. So it’s not surprising that women operating in male-centric  cultures that privilege succinctness often receive feedback that they’re too talkative or offer ‘TMI.’” (p. 164)

“In our experience, women who overdisclose usually do so for one of two reasons. Either they assume that building good relationships and finding common ground requires the sharing of personal information, or they’re convinced that being authentic depends on disclosure.” (p. 166)

“The difference in male and female bonding styles generally serves women well, making them more likely than men to form close and long-lasting friendships. [...] But workplace cultural standards around the world have been almost entirely set by men, especially at the leadership level.” (p. 167)

Habit 11: Ruminating

“Routinely mulling over your mistakes, regrets, and negative experiences is called rumination. It’s a habit of mind that psychologists tell us is more often found in women than in men. That’s because women not only spend more time relieving their setbacks, they are more likely to believe that whatever went wrong was all their fault.” (p. 170)

Habit 12: Letting Your Radar Distract You

“Women's attention for the most part operates like a radar, scanning the environment, picking up a broad range of clues, and paying attention to context. Whereas men's attention operates more like a laser, focusing tightly and absorbing information in sequence.” (p. 177)

“One problem for women is that organizations still privilege laser notice—”just get to the bottom line”—and view it as a leadership behavior. This is not surprising given that, until a few decades ago, organizations were led almost entirely by men. Yet a well-developed radar can be a powerful asset at work. Being highly attuned to the details of relationships and what people are feeling enables you to excel at motivating others, inspiring morale. It helps you negotiate and communicate with sensitivity and skill. It supports collaboration and teamwork. And radar helped build the intimate friendships that support your resilience when the going gets rough.” (p. 178)

Habit clusters 

“If you identify with Habit 3, Overvaluing Expertise, you may also struggle with Habit 6, Putting Your Job Before Your Career. Both reflect a desire to keep your head down and focus on the task immediately before you Instead of aiming at a larger long-term goal.” (p. 191)

“These two behaviors often overlap with Habit 7, The Perfection Trap, since all three are rooted in the hope or expectation that you'll be rewarded if you just get every detail right. These habits often appear to others as a tendency to think small. They can result in you getting tagged as someone who willingly take on drudge work but isn't ready for the big picture thinking that being a leader requires.” (p. 191)

“Habits 9 and 10 also align, since both Minimizing and Too Much reflect a reluctance to speak your truth with clarity, intention, and force. Because you don't want to risk antagonizing others or making them feel bad, you may signal in advance that you're ambivalent about standing your ground. This can result in your being overlooked or disregarded.” (p. 191)

“Habit 11, Ruminating, is often a consequence of Habit 12, Letting Your Radar Distract You. Because you notice so much, you have a lot to process and may end up mulling over negatives in a way that undermines you and keeps you stuck. This can make you appear disorganized or a bit clueless.” (p. 192)

Start with identifying your purpose

“So how do you become clear about your purpose? You start by articulating concisely and precisely what you hope to achieve, either in your present job or over the long-term. The idea is to clearly state the goal or purpose that most inspires you.” (p. 194)

“A statement of purpose can also be useful when you're trying to identify which behavior you might benefit from addressing first. That's because articulating your purpose gives you a lens for deciding what may and what may not serve you as you work to accomplish the goal you've set for yourself.” (p. 195) 

Enlist allies to build new habits 

“But it costs precisely nothing to enlist a colleague, friend, boss or direct report in your effort to make positive behavioral changes. You just start by asking one person you trust for help in addressing a habit you would like to change. Involving someone else will disable your forgetter, make it harder to revert to autopilot, and make it harder for you to rationalize your resistance.” (p. 198)

“Let Go of Judgment”

“In our experience, judgment is the number one thing that could get in your way. Judging yourself when you fall short of your expectations. Second-guessing what you're trying to do. Berating yourself because you're not making progress as quickly as you'd like. Regretting the habit you're trying to change now because it held you back in the past. Create teaching yourself for every little thing.” (p. 213)

Create a to-don’t list

“But as your list expands and feels more urgent, you might want to also consider a to-don't list, a list of items you would like to let go of. These could include things you want to stop doing and tasks you want to drop or hand off. By identifying activities that eat up your time, keep you trapped, or offering minimal reward, a to-do list brings intentionality to what you want to say no to.” (p. 221)

“Items on your to-don’t list can be big or small, but your list will be most effective if it describes specific actions rather than attitudes, aspirations, or complex behaviors. This will make it manageable and concrete and provide you with items you can check off as you move through your day.” (p. 222)

Quotables

“In the years since, he’s found this to be true with other fantastic women leaders. No matter how effective they’ve been or how much recognition they’ve received, women often tend to focus on all the ways they believe they fall short. As a result, when coaching women, Marshall usually starts with a ground-rule request: Please do not be too hard on yourself.” (p. 8)

“Similarly, if you’re Latina, you may feel that stereotypes play a role when you get feedback about being “too emotional.” If you’re Asian, you may be suspicious when you’re told you don’t speak up enough. In either case, you may feel quite sure that these behaviors do not characterize you at all. And you may suspect that the feedback is based on unconscious bias. You may be right about this, and if so, you might choose to confront it, as Marshall’s client with the alleged “attitude problem” did. But it’s also helpful to balance the recognition that stereotyping may be at work with a willingness to consider what role you might also be playing in creating a specific perception. If you find yourself routinely dismissing feedback because you believe it is biased, you might ask yourself if this could be some form of resistance.” (p. 36)

“To sell yourself effectively, therefore, believing in what you have to offer is essential. If Coke is doing a marketing campaign, they don’t say, ‘Well, some people prefer Pepsi. Or, it’s possible that, if you give Coke a try, you might like it.’ No. Their job is to talk about how great Coke is. Not to hedge, but to come out and tell the world, ‘We’ve got a fantastic product.’” (p. 73)

So if you identify as a ruminant, please write a new script for yourself. And repeat firmly after us rumination is for cows! (p. 176)

“Your strengths are what for you here, here being where you are now. They may not get you there—that is, where you want to go. But you will benefit from maintaining a healthy respect for the gifts you bring and for what you have achieved as you go about addressing behaviors that may have limited you in the past.” (p. 228)

“Nevertheless, fulfilling your potential is bound to take you beyond your comfort zone, and examining how your strengths may also undermine you is one aspect of that. That’s why you’ll want to celebrate the skills, talents, attitudes, and behaviors that have brought you to where you are. Even as you identify and work to surmount self-limiting behaviors that won’t get you where you want to go.” (p. 229)