Acting with Power

Key Concepts

Power is a relationship good

“Power, by definition, is the capacity to control other people and their outcomes. So your power comes from the extent to which others need you, in particular, for access to valued rewards, and to avoid punishments. When someone needs you for these things, you have more power over them than you would if other people could also meet their needs. When others need you, they are motivated to please you, and this gives you control.” (p. 22)

“Any person’s power depends entirely on the context in which power is being negotiated. Power lives and dies in relationships, in goals and objectives, in settings, and in social roles.” (p. 24)

“Power is part of a social contract. People have power to the extent that others consent to being controlled. When powerful individuals violate the terms of the implicit agreements that give them power, they rarely stay in power for long.” (p. 25)

Playing Power Up

“Displays of expansiveness, like spreading out, waving the arms, opening the mouth wide, and showing the teeth are all associated with what social scientists call dominance behavior, which refers to the ways animals of all kinds show that they are willing to use force if necessary to win a fight.” (p. 43)

Other examples: 

• Pulling rank

• Poking fun

• Backhanded compliments

• Pushing buttons

• Paying less attention to someone

• Interrupting

• Exercising the right to disagree

“Whether playing it up is a winning approach to social interaction depends on the context: the setting, your objectives, whom you are dealing with, and, most important, how much power you actually have.” (p. 55)

“Playing power up can seem hostile. But the thing to keep in mind is that in many group situations, playing power up is the most generous thing you can do. In all groups, we need someone to step up, provide direction, and keep things under control. Knowing that someone is prepared to keep things on track and shut down bad behavior immediately makes it possible for everyone to relax and stay focused on the task at hand.” (p. 55)

Playing Power Down

“Playing power down is not showing weakness. It is showing that we are strong and secure enough to take personal risks and put others’ interests ahead of our own. When we play power down, we do things to show respect, consideration, and deference—not to command them—to stand down and disarm others’ defenses.” (p. 63)

“When we play power down, we are showing that we care more about standing with than standing out, and more about connecting than controlling.” (p. 63)

“Whenever we play power down, we let others know that we are willing to sacrifice personal prominence to advance the group’s interests. This gives others permission to do the same.” (p. 63)

Examples:

• Backing off

• Self-deprecating humor 

• Asking for help

• Respecting that others have boundaries

• seeking approval 

• Seeking 

“In order to move up in a hierarchy, you first have to show others respect. As one executive I know put it, ‘Deference is how you earn the right to lead.’” (p. 75)

“Management experts call this style participative leadership, an approach characterized by involving subordinates in the decision-making process: soliciting their knowledge and expertise (without necessarily abdicating control), paying attention to their strengths and interests, and even pulling back to let lower-ranking employees take ownership of higher-level strategies. Participative leadership is playing power down by elevating and empowering subordinates to choose a course of action, rather than trying to control outcomes and how they are achieved. And it involves lowering oneself by talking less, asking questions, and using more tentative speech. Participative leadership, in other words, relies on playing power down.” (p. 76)

How to Be Yourself Without Losing the Plot

“In life, as in the theater, we all have roles to play, and some roles come with more power than others. Different roles come with different scripts, or what psychologists call schemas, that prescribe in broad terms how we are supposed to behave.” (p. 85)

“To use power well, we need to stick to the plot. We need to accept that in all but the most private of moments, we are there to play a role in a story that is not just our own. This means staying connected to shared realities about who does what, when, and how, and it means following the rules of decorum and etiquette, because these are the ways we show one another we care about their outcomes too.” (p. 87)

“When thinking about getting in role, many of us struggle with what we see as a binary choice—I can be true to myself, or I can try to be someone else, which means doing things that are ‘not me.’” (p. 111)

“Acting with power is a challenge of role-taking. And ‘authenticity’ is not the right test. In acting, whether onstage or in life, the challenge is to find ways of telling the truth—of meaning what we say and do, even if the actions themselves are scripted.” (p. 111)

How to Act with Power in a Supporting Role

“There is something uniquely off-putting about people who act as if they are more important than they are. But why? For one, when you overshoot in this way, it sends a message to other people about how you see yourself relative to how you see them. It tells your superiors you don’t think they deserve the power and status they have earned. It tells your peers you think you are better than they are.” (p. 121)

“When we are in a subordinate role, every action can feel risky. But a willingness to take personal risk for the good of the group is the most reliable source of status there is. When our actions show that we care about others, that we are ready to sacrifice our own interests to advance others’ interests, we earn others’ trust. When our actions show that we care more about our own interests than what is best for the group, trust and status are depleted.” (p. 125)

Overcoming fear in leadership

“When the goal is to establish trust in a high-power role, the fear of appearing incompetent can distract us from what matters more, which is the degree to which our subordinates believe we have their best interests at heart. It’s not intuitive, but research on this point is clear: the competence of a high-power actor is usually taken for granted. The bigger problem, usually, is learning how to demonstrate that we care.” (p. 137)

Ways to tame fear (pp. 144-55

• Keep calm and carry on

• Rehearse. “Rehearsal is a way of channeling nervous energy and avoiding some kinds of surprises, but also of conditioning yourself to expect a positive outcome, proving to yourself that you are perfectly capable of doing what you have to do and that you can handle whatever is coming.” (p. 147)

• Move off yourself

• Embrace the fear

• Choose love

• Stay present and connected

When Power Corrupts (and When It Doesn’t)

“People seek power in many ways for many reasons, and this is not necessarily a bad thing. Studies show that a strong power motive is healthy and predicts effective leadership. But when people seek power as an end in itself, because they want to look, feel, and be more powerful, the results are entirely predictable. Wielding power without a real commitment to a role, or to solving other people’s problems, predicts abuse and corruption of every imaginable kind.” (p. 159)

“Without power on our minds, we navigate the social world carefully, trying to stay out of trouble, by engaging in what’s called self-regulation. We track the plot, consider the context, and decide whether to pursue self-interest by considering the consequences for other people. But when power kicks in, our own objectives take over, and we are less inclined to consider anyone else’s well-being or perspective.” (p. 161)

The Effects of Power: (pp. 162-167)

• Disinhibition

• Objectification

• Entitlement.

How to be an upstander rather than a bystander

“It is tempting to view abusive behavior as someone else’s problem: to cast ourselves in the role of the observer, or the critic in the audience. But in reality we are all players in the dramas of abuse that pollute the world we live in. Abuses of power happen in contexts where they are condoned, and every single one of us can make better choices about the roles we play in the stories that unfold in our presence.” (p. 199)

“Bystander intervention, too, tends to start small, with one actor. And it can escalate in its way. When individuals without formal power learn how to insert themselves and make it more costly for bad actors to continue, the culture shifts: abuses of power are tolerated less, bystanders intervene more, and, as some studies show, crimes like sexual harassment and assault are less likely to occur.” (p. 201)

“To ignite this cycle, we each need to see ourselves as actors in other people’s dramas. We have to acknowledge that ‘free riding’ is an action; there is no such thing as ‘staying out of it,’ ‘being neutral,’ or ‘not getting involved.’” (p. 201)

The Standard of Beneficence 

“In business, beneficence implies using power to benefit constituents, to achieve financial results in a way that respects the rights of employees and customers. Beneficence is treating power not just as a resource to accumulate or wield with impunity but as a resource to invest in other people. The standard of beneficence takes the possession of power for granted. It assumes the actor has enough power already and that the measure of a person is not how much power one has but what one uses power for.” (p. 223)

“When we define leadership potential in terms of dominance and masculinity, we judge leadership potential on the basis of these qualities. The problem is that while these qualities do predict ascendence into high-power roles, they fail to predict effectiveness. If we were to cast more intentionally for beneficence—which does predict effective use of power—gender might work for women in the casting process, instead of against them, and different kinds of men would also rise to the top.” (p. 229)

Quotables

“But if I’ve learned anything in my work on power, it’s that I am not alone. Everyone feels powerless sometimes, no matter how much power they have. And we all have power, whether we can realize it or not.” (p. 4)

“Actors, if they are successful, don’t let their insecurities stop them from being who they need to be in order to do their jobs. To do any job well, to be the person you aspire to be, and to use power effectively (whether you feel powerful or not), you have to step away from your own drama and learn how to play your part in someone else’s story.” (p. 7)

“I’m often asked how to make a good first impression when roles are ambiguous. A good rule of thumb, especially in a new situation, is to notice where your partner is starting, and to play power up enough to be taken seriously, while playing it down as needed to avoid posing a threat.” (p. 79)

“Like actors, we need to use more of ourselves—more heart, more guts, more clarity of purpose, and, importantly, more imagination—to play our roles effectively. Sometimes we need to use less of ourselves too—less fear, less shame, less ‘should.’ Instead of wasting energy trying to hide the parts of ourselves we fear the most, or trying to appear ‘normal,’ acting demands owning all of it, digging deeper, and having the courage to bring even the scariest parts to life.” (p. 96)

“When facing a challenge that makes us feel powerless—a new role, a tough conversation, an unfamiliar situation—it helps to ask ourselves, ahead of time, not Who do I fear I might be in there, but Who do I hope I might be like in there? What character can I internalize to have the impact I aspire to?” (p. 100)

“But having the confidence to sit quietly while someone else gets applause is as much a source of power as the ability to seize the spotlight.” (p. 123)

“For many people—even most people, as it turns out—the fear of accountability is so profound that when push comes to shove, they’d rather not make the big calls themselves. They may want to be in the room where it happens, but they try to avoid that seat at the head of the table.” (p. 142)

“A physical warm-up can also help you appear more relaxed when you are feeling tense and is great preparation for any kind of performance: a big presentation to a client, a meeting with your boss, an interview, or a virtual meeting, whether on or off camera. I recently did some coaching with executives who were role-playing an important conversation. I saw a lot of blinking, twitching, trembling, fake smiles, and eyebrows flailing. I asked the actors to stretch out their faces—as I have learned to do—to open them first as wide as possible and then scrunch them up as tightly as possible, and then to relax the face muscles, and the tics all disappeared.” (p. 145)

“When Bob Joss became the CEO of Westpac Banking Corporation, he was initially surprised to learn that employees were noticing his mood and his energy level when he passed them in the halls. If he was reserved or pensive, or just distracted, people thought he seemed aloof, that he didn’t care about them or the firm, and they worried they had displeased him. So he started paying attention to these things—a friendly ‘hi’ in the hallway, or how he took the stage. He worked on his energy and on trying to show his excitement and enthusiasm—he would kind of “hop up,” he says, instead of walking. He felt he had to be ‘up’ every day even when he didn’t feel that way. And what he’s learned about playing a big role, he says, is that ‘it is not important to act authentically, but it is very important to care authentically. If you really care, that will come through.’” (p. 153)

“The Don Juan. The type of behavior exhibited by Steve Wynn—a high level of sexual activity and difficulties with commitment and intimacy—is known among power researchers as Don Juan syndrome. But contrary to what that moniker implies (and what many people believe), chronic sexual misconduct and promiscuity among powerful men is not evidence of how “cocky” or self-assured these men are. It is actually better understood as an expression of desperate insecurity or pent-up frustration that seeks relief when power presents opportunities.” (p. 175)

“If you can’t create physical distance between yourself and a bully, you can maintain psychological distance by refusing to engage with bad behavior. ...So the goal (this may be the only time you ever receive this advice) is to be as boring as possible. It is not the same as pretending whatever happens is okay by smiling or playing along. It is more like simply missing your cue, showing disinterest, or even just appearing bored, acting like nothing happened. (p. 186)

“We need to change the narrative about what it means to be a powerful person and to lead a powerful life. In great works of drama and literature, there are no stories about perfect people who start off with advantages and gracefully master the universe. No one cares about these characters; no one can relate. What makes for a compelling narrative, in the theater and in life, is the struggle: the triumph, the tragedy, and how the character has coped and endured.” (p. 238)