“What stories do you tell yourself about yourself?”
As part of a leadership development group conversation, I asked a group of executives to reflect on this: What stories do you tell yourself about yourself?
That reflection was the foundation for an even more critical question: Based on who you are today and what you want to accomplish, how do you want to change those stories?
I have facilitated that conversation with dozens of groups, and one of the most common insights participants have is that there is a mismatch between the stories they have today and those they will need to accomplish what they want tomorrow. Most of the leaders’ story edits are about what they want to accomplish, usually pushing them toward more authentic goals. More significantly, people often realize they want to change the stories about what they deserve (e.g., “I am worthy of having what I want.”) and their capabilities (e.g., “I’ve reached this position because I’m talented, not because of luck.”), which helps them advance toward their valued goals with greater confidence.
By coincidence, after facilitating one of those conversations on Friday, I listened to the podcast IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. In a conversation about finding satisfaction at work, Obama reflected on her professional journey, “I think we put too much emphasis on titles and salaries and stuff like that. One reason why I said I wanted to be a lawyer was because, when you say that out loud and you’re a little kid, the adults’ responses are always, ‘Oh, that’s so wonderful.’”
Because of those kinds of childhood messages, Obama argued, it’s easy to develop a belief that a good life hinges on the prestige of our resume, the status of our bank statement, and fame, which crowds out creating a more authentic definition of success. She said, “I was getting A’s and awards and all that, but nobody ever said, ‘Who is Michelle, and who do you want to be in the world?’ So I had to do that work on my own.”
When I heard her statement, I immediately thought of the executives I’d talked to earlier that day. The path to creating an authentic vision requires the self-reflection that Obama talked about. However, very little in the culture encourages us to stop, reflect, and critically examine our beliefs about what “success” is or about ourselves. As a result, many of us are not even conscious of the stories we hold.
It’s not as simple as substituting new stories for the old—after all, we’ve built up the existing stories over decades based on our upbringing and experiences at work, and many of those stories are responsible for our success. But the first step toward the future we want is recognizing those stories and then editing to make them our own.