Applying Strategy to Relationships

In Unleashed, leadership scholars Frances Frei and Anne Morriss argue that leaders should make real choices in strategy. They say:

“Your first job as a strategist is to be better than your competitors at the things that matter most to your customers. This sounds simple enough, but here’s the thing: in most cases, this means you’ll also have to be worse than your competitors at other things, ideally the less important ones. ...In particular, we suggest underinvesting where it matters least in order to free up the resources to overinvest where it matters most. We propose being bad in the service of great.”

That last part—intentionally underinvesting—can be hard, but it’s a straightforward concept in strategy. 

What I found even more provocative was their suggestion to apply the same principle to our relationships: 

“The potential payoff of a dare-to-be-bad mindset can be easiest to envision in a one-on-one relationship. ...Consider the following trade-off: What if Super You showed up when it mattered most to them, but it meant that Average You—or even Bummer You—showed up when it mattered least? How would your relationship change as a result?”

This is not an argument for meeting every single need for the other person in the relationship. Rather, it’s an argument for delivering on what’s most important to them. Frei and Morriss even provide this interesting chart for how one might map their relationship "performance" across different dimensions.

But here’s the rub: We can only know for sure what’s most important to those in our lives if we ask. And most of us, me included, aren’t great at asking (though we’re great at making assumptions!).

One routine that might be useful comes from Having It All...and Making It Work by HBS professor Quinn Mills (who also happened to be my undergrad thesis advisor). He writes, “I deal with these issues by frequently sitting down as a family and talking about the time we spend together and what each member needs.”

This isn’t a weekly planning and logistics meeting. Mills is talking about a deeper conversation, one that assumes that our emotional needs change over time. By bringing that deeper conversation and awareness to the forefront, it provides an opportunity to optimize our relationship investments given our limited time. 

So which of your relationships might you “optimize” this week?

A QUOTE I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT

Reflecting on a busy last week in which I allowed meetings to creep into the long blocks of time that are otherwise reserved for reading, writing, and being creative: 

“Spend enough time in a state of frenetic shallowness and you permanently reduce your capacity to perform deep work.”

— Cal Newport in Deep Work